Don't You Wave Your Money At Me, You Bastard!

You're in a bar, enjoying friends and a cool beer. 

Some DOs and DON'Ts. 

(I can't lie, it's mostly don'ts)

1. You'll be served when It's your turn to be served. No amount of waving your arms or money, clicking your fingers or telling me your order while I'm doing something else will change that. In fact, you just went to the back of the queue. For the rest of the night. 
2. If you have a big order, don't tell me 20 drinks at once. You fucking struggled to remember them, how the hell am I meant to? And don't then get pissy because I forgot if you wanted diet or regular coke. Either let me do them in 5's, or just write me a list.
3. ..AND don't order one drink at a time. I'm perfectly capable of remembering 4 vodkas with different mixers in each.
4. Don't change your mind once I've brought you your drink. I cannot unmix a Gin and Tonic, I cannot decant your Red Stripe back into the keg, I cannot de-woo your Woo-Woo.
5. Empty glasses are not for your rubbish. I have no desire you to deal with your garbage. High on this list are: Used Tissues, Chewing Gum and Vomit. 
6. There's a reason I am on this side of the bar, I work here. You don't. I really don't care if you want to tell me something urgently, or if you want to high-five me.
7. So, you enjoy sex in a public place, eh? Wonderful, I'm glad you feel so at ease with your sex life. However, I really don't want to see it. Especially from the table directly in front of the bar. If you so desperately need to indulge in hand-jobs, why not try a dark corner seat? a toilet cubical? round the back by the bins? Or, even in your own home?
8. "Can I have that in a small glass, no ice, please?" Oh I see, You're here to get hammered? Well, the difference between a small and a tall glass is negligible, and as the ice is pretty solid, you won't be drinking much of it. 
   In fact, MORE ICE = LESS MIXER = STRONGER DRINK. Confusing, I know.
9. Unless we're friends, don't touch me. The odd high five is fine. But other than that, I'm here to sell you booze, not to be groped by you.
10. Don't mistake my friendliness and chattiness for me wanting to have sex with you. Just don't.
11. Bear in mind that I don't have to give you a reason not to serve you, and if I say NO, don't argue. If you're a dick to me, I'll be a dick to you too.
12. Say Please, say Thanks, and tip me. I'll remember you. I'll serve you as soon as I possibly can. I'll remember your order.
13. Get your names right. I don't sell "Prosciutto", not by glass nor by bottle. Same goes for "Mur-lott", "Pinit Grigit", "Jagger/Gager/Jayger Bombs".
14. The fastest way to get served is to wait, patiently. Make eye contact with me, give me a small sign that says "Yes, I'm in the queue".
15. The DJ came here to play some songs, not your music collection. Don't go verbally attacking the guy just because you're not a fan of The Killers. You're 30 years old. Get a grip.
16. Closing time means you leave, it doesn't mean sit about for 20 minutes finishing your drink. Shoulda bought it earlier, eh? 

....and yet, I love my job.

T.x